Thursday, September 08, 2005

THE LOCKOUT GUIDE TO A RICHER, SEXIER, THINNER, SMARTER YOU!


This is starting to sink in. The fears extend well beyond the financial for me, as they do for all. If this extends to January, what will we face when we return? It won't be remote control cruising ladies and gents - we are in for a possible round of cuts in the spring, and some drastic (though maybe needed) programming "adjustments." Amid the fear, I am trying to live life day by day. There can be a naive ground-hog day quality to imposed blinders - I just wake up, and try to pretend that everything is curious and temporary.

I have dark dwelling moments, but today is unabashedly bright, sequined and sunny. Blame the ample trashy celeb-self-help mags littered along our lockout line, but when life tosses a lemon at you...duck.

I have a mildly freakonomic theory that there is a mathematic correlation between the number of channels someone receives on their TV, the mileage on their car, the number of books they read in a year, and the size of their ass. The bigger, the longer, the wider, etc. So I present this lickity-split lockout list so it doesn't happen to you. You'll save money, fire-up brain connectors, tone your tush, and get some action to boot.

1. UP IN ARMS. All that lockout walking is hard on knees and feet, so focus on upper body in the evening. Walk to buy groceries (make 'em heavy ones) and hoist the bags up and down as arm curls on your way home.

2. DON'T DRIVE. Just don't do it. You'll save money on gas, lose weight from whatever walking you need to do, and spark brain cells to calculate distances and times related to walking to destinations. Attention suburb people: it IS possible. You just have to PLAN PLAN PLAN - but it's the price you pay for living in communities with cheaper housing prices.

3. A NOVEL IDEA. You work at the CBC - so you either have an ego, a talent, and/or a holy obligation to let the world hear your story. Take the time now to write that novel that's dying to spill out of your veins. Remember - every good story needs an evil villain that has caused harm to roughly 5,500 people.

4. LOCKOUT LARD. Work on that ponch in the evenings. A strong set of abs provides better posture, and less strain on the back and legs. In the evening, while complaining to your partner about the state of your life, grab something heavy, get on your back, and gently crunch foreward holding the object over your head. I use a small child, but animals and large bottles of water may work.

5. LOCK FROCK. We are creative folks - so to show off our newly toned bods, we must reconfigure the drapy locked-out T. Cut the arms off. Show those lock-out lats. Ladies can belt at the waste, and do the lock-out mini. Way to stop traffic and garner support.

6. THE PICKUP LINE. With your new body and free time, have an affair. Lots of hot properties to pursue, and hey, it's fun, cheap and a great way to continue news integration while locked out. And all that lying and secrey is leads to complex brain activation.

7. COUNTRY CANADA LINE-DANCING. Keep on the move, for free, burning fat, bonding, protesting, all in one. Best to groove to "These Boots Are Made For Walking," and my own diddy, "I May Be Broke, Bothered and Blue, But My Soul's Still In My Shoes."

8. FREE READING. Don't buy books. Don't pay for papers. Banish magazines. Troll the line for free material. Key is to arrive late morning, and feel no shame digging through trash. An extra challenge is to find a fully read paper, without the crossword and Sudoko completed, or the Doyle column torn out.

9. PICKET POUNDS. Strap an eight-pounder to a picket sign, hoist over your head, and watch those lockout lats emerge.

10. ALL HAIL HULL. Before bed, settle in to watch the train wreck of Rae Dull reading the news. Instead of shaking your fists in the air, clench a five-or ten pounder. It's a free passage to exercise and expression.

Daily Debits:

$11.36 Lunch for the fam damily on Monday. We gave in and ate out at a deli. Argh.
$63.50 Various groceries (produce, fish and cheese) at Granville Island (which is NOT more expensive, you just have to be careful).
$18.40 Groceries from SAFEWAY that I couldn't get at the Island.
$57.14 Liquor Store. Forgive me, we are entertaining tonight, and have two parties to attend on the weekend. It's my only pleasure these days.
$17.24 Diapers for the monkey.
$7.00 Bank service charge.
$171.16 Dental bill. I already received the claim before the lockout, but still hadn't paid it. Ouch.

Bank Balance: $998.77 (but still have to deposit this weeks whopping lockout cheque).

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must say this is an "entertaining" way to look at the lock-out....right up there with Don Genova's "Picket size me" blog.

At least the cheque goes up next week!!!

9:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice blog enjoyed it :)

Keep up the excellent work! and i bookmarked u!

so cant wait for ur next post! :)

Thanks!!

10:29 AM  

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